Commonly Used or Overused Business Euphemisms.
Have you ever gotten off a call at work and not understood what the person on the other end of the phone was saying to you? Have you ever walked through an office and overheard people talking what sounds like a foreign language?
Well you are not alone. Today it’s become more common for people to use euphemisms in the workplace. They often substitute phrases they’ve picked up into their regular business jargon (gotcha). And this practice has created an almost entirely new language that the American businessperson must keep up with today. It’s almost to the point that they need to offer college courses in Commonly Used Business Phrases and what they Actually Mean. During a meeting the other day, I had to lean over and ask the guy next to me what a certain “buzzword” in a report actually meant. It was quite emasculating. So below are some of my favorites.
Glossary of My Favorite Business Euphemisms:
10,000 foot view - aka: View from 30,000 feet
Action items - Something you have to do.
All hands meetings - I really fucking hate this term. A meeting everyone has to attend.
B School - It’s “Business School” asshole. Say the whole world.
Back burner - Something getting put off.
Bandwidth - As in, I don’t have the bandwidth to work on that project right now.
Benchmark - A key point or standard that is set.
Best of breed - The best thing/idea.
Best practice - A policy that should be followed.
Blue Ocean strategy - People showing off that they’ve read a book. No, trying to find non-competitive space to gain more market share (more jargon from me).
Brain dump - One employee sharing his knowledge with another.
Call on the carpet - To disclipine someone.
Change agent - Someone or something that brings about change.
Chair at the table - aka: Skin in the game, a chip in the game, etc.
Circle back - Come back to an issue later.
CLM - Career Limiting Move
COB - Close of business
Come to Jesus Meeting - These usually happen as a precursor to someone getting fired.
Core competency - What you do best.
Core culture - aka: Company’s core culture. Make up of the company.
CYA - Cover your ass. Drop this jargon in an email to me and I’ll TP your house.
Cycles - As in, I don’t have the cycles available to work on this project.
Deliverables - What you are going to give to them when you are done with the work.
Dipping your pen in the company ink - Fucking a co-worker.
Disconnect - Lack of understanding on an issue between two people.
Doable - Something that you can do.
Drop me a line - Call me…or email me.
Due dilligence - aka: research. A phrase made popular by ahole VC’s (venture capitalists).
Efforting - Working on something.
EOD - End of the day
Going forward - As in, how do you want to proceed going forward?
Granular level - Down at the lowest level of details on something.
Hard stop - As in, I’ve got a hard stop at 4PM so I can leave to pick up my kid. I might punch you if you tell me you’ve got a hard stop in our meeting.
Heavy lifting - Doing the hard work.
Hot button - An important issue.
Hump day - aka: Wednesday
Interface - Let’s meet. Let’s talk.
Jumped the Shark - Something that is past it’s prime. This term was taken from a Happy Days episode.
Let’s take this offline - To talk about it in-person or over the phone.
Leverage - As in, We have leverage on this issue with the judge.
Level the playing field - Make it even.
Low hanging fruit - Let’s do the easy stuff first….or let’s take the easy stuff before the hard stuff.
Magic bullet - The perfect solution to a problem.
On board - Agree with something. Or commit to be a part of something.
On the same page - In agreement. In an understanding together with someone.
Out of pocket - Unavailable. As in, I’ll be out of pocket for the next few hours.
Out of the loop - Not familiar with something. Don’t know what’s going on.
Outside the box - A novel and creative solution to a problem. (Thinking outside the box)
Outsourcing - Sending work outside your office. Often means sending work to be done abroad.
Ping - as in “I’ll ping you later” (aka: contact you via email or phone)
Price point - A fancy way of saying price.
Q1, Q2, Q3 & Q4 - Otherwise known as the 4 quarters of the year.
Rainmaker - Someone who makes things happen. Referring to yourself as a ‘Rainmaker’ should be punishable by jail time.
Ramp up - To increase something over time.
RFP - Request for proposal.
Scalable - Something that has the ability to get bigger, but not lose it’s structure.
Scope creep - Continuing to add new features not accounted for in the existing project plan.
Shoot me an e-mail - Send me an email…because I’m a fucking dweeb and like to say ’shoot’.
Shotgun approach - A wide, scattered start or target.
Shit or Get off the Pot - aka: Fish or Cut Bait. I’ll let you guess which I prefer to say.
Skin in the game - Equity or ownership in something.
Snail mail - Mail that is sent via the US Postal Service. Opposite of email.
Soup to nuts - The whole thing from start to finish.
Special sauce - Something that only you do. Or something you do better than anyone else.
Table - As in, Can we table this discussion until later?
Take away - As in, What’s the “take away” from this?
Touch base - To call , check in or otherwise talk to someone about something.
Uber - Very. As in, I’m uber excited about this merger.
Vertical - Where your business is located, and your competition.
Whiteboard - To write ideas on a dry erase board.
Win, win deal - A deal that is good for both people involved.
Zero sum game - A time where someone wins, but someone else must lose.
Listing of some other commonly used business jargon:
Cannibalize, Synergies, Close the loop, Free lunch, Peel the onion back, Red flag, CPB, Pain Point, Open up the komona, Can we chat, Restructuring resources, Network, Bricks and clicks, Clear as mud, Let me take my manager hat off for a minute, Let me put on my thinking cap, Rubber stamp, Sourcing, Empower, Work life balance, Pay the piper, The smart money, Critical mass, Unique value proposition, Core competency, Streamlining, Downsizing, Protocol, Retread, Management off-site, Corporate retreat, Analysis paralysis, F2F, Managing up and across, Offshoring, Competitive advantage, Supply chain management, Phone it in, Mail it in, It is what it is, Help me to understand, I’ll swing by, Reach out to so and so, Team players, Fast track, Team building, File 13, Leverage, Fire away, Streamline, Bleeding edge technology, ROI, ROAS, CPM, CPA, Cube farm, 404, Whales, Plan your work and work your plan, Let go, Steep learning curve, Above board, Big picture, Added value, At the end of the day, Sweat equity and Tipping point.
And before anyone thinks I’m getting ‘holier than thou’. Yes, I’m an asshole as well…because I use a lot of the same business jargon in my day-to-day life. Now tell me, below in the comments, which business jargon I missed here.
