My Last Meal on Earth

No, I’m not dying. But if I were dying. If I were going to the electric chair. And I had to pick one last meal on Earth, what would I pick for it?

Here’s what my last supper would be:

* 1 Jumbo Shrimp with Cocktail Dipping Sauce.
* Small serving Chick-Fil-A Chicken Nuggets.
* 1 Chicken Fajita Taco. Garnished with shredded cheese & pico.
* 1/2 Egg Salad Sandwich. (Or Chicken Salad)
* Garlic Mashed Potatoes.
* 1/2 Ice Berg Lettuce Chopped Salad with Hidden Valley Ranch dressing.
* Orange (Hi-C) Soda from McDonald’s.
* Cheesecake (probably with something on top).

Estimated calories: 3500

But if you are dying anyway, then who’s that worried about caloric intake. It’s time to woof down some food.

I wouldn’t need quite this many nuggets from Chick-fil-A. Plus, I prefer the Honey Mustard dipping sauce.

WHAT WOULD YOU EAT FOR YOUR LAST MEAL?

Cars That I Would Buy Today

If money were not an object, which cars would I buy? Great question. I’m going to preface it by saying that I’m typically an SUV guy, and I’ve never had an infatuation with sports cars. So I’m not going to pick a $500K Ferrari just because it’s more expensive. These are the cars I would really buy. They are all 2007 models.

So what vehicle would I buy if money were not an object?

1. Range Rover
* Yeah, I know it’s a shitty car that just serves as a status symbol. But it appeals to me. I guess I wasn’t held enough as a child or something. And yes, my dick is normal sized. Retail price starts around $90K.

2. Mercedes SL600 Roadster
* I’m not usually a fan of “small” cars, but this one is the exception. It’s the best driving Mercedes in their fleet. And starting at only $132K it’s practically a bargain.

3. Cadillac ESV
* The BIG car on my list. This SUV first caught my eye when Tiki Barber started doing commercials for it last football season. It’s basically a really expensive suburban. And in a normal life, I’d never drop more than $60K for a souped up Suburban…but hey I said this was a game. So I’d pick an ESV. Plus, I’ve always wanted to say I drive a Caddy.

4. Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet
* Apologies to BMW, but this is the ultimate driving machine. A 2-seater that can hit 160 on the highway, yet hugs every corner. I’m not sure how long I’d survive if I bought this car, but it would be a fun existence. Expect to pay more than $100K for this ride.

5. Lexus LS
* These Japs make a great car. And this is the top of the line Lexus. It’s a huge sedan with tons of room inside, yet it’s loaded with luxury. These start around $70K…a loaded one might set you back $85K.

Who I want to have sex with right now…

My wife is in Las Vegas this weekend, laying out in her bikini, sipping drinks, and hopefully getting a few looks from the opposite sex. Call me crazy, but I like it when other guys check out my wife. I’ll check out their wife and think nothing of it. I can’t imagine the thought of being the only one that finds my wife attractive.

Anyways, enough with the small talk. The point is she’s on vacation and I’m not. I’m stuck here having to drum up some skin on the Internet, while she’s probably got 100 horny guys within 100 yards in every direction.

Assuming the guy is worthy, she gets the free pass. Who do I consider worthy this week?

Odd choice? You might think, but Dwight Schrute is more loyal than a labrador and his sense of humor is underrated. Any gal would be lucky to have him, and who am I to deny my wife pleasure.

As for me? I’m a sucker for the olive skinned ladies. She’s a relative newcomer, but Maria Menounos made a beeline for my heart. Great rack, tight ass. I think I’m in love.

More Maria

Hot Chicks in a Pillow Fight

Today, we’re going to talk about a sport that has been an American favorite for decades. The sport of pillow fighting. Pillow fighting is not just a sport, it’s also an art form. Below are a few of the things you need to know about Pillow Fighting.

Rules of Pillow Fighting:
1. Pillow Fighting is for females only.
2. Pillow Fights should take place indoors, preferrably a bedroom.
3. Proper Pillow Fighting attire is lingerie or pajamas of some type. Bikinis are also acceptable.
4. No one should ever swing hard enough to injury anyone else during a pillow fight.
5. No hard foam pillows. All pillows used should be soft and filled with feathers.
6. The pillow fight ends when all of the girls are hot and need to take a shower to cool off.
7. There are no losers in a pillow fight. Everyone wins!

Pillow Fighting FAQ:

If you stumble upon girls in the middle of a pillow fight, what should you do?
Pull up a chair and watch. And drink a beer if you’ve got one.

What happens if someone is injured in a pillow fight?
First, no one should ever get injured because the point of a pillow fight is to look sexy, not injure anyone. But if a mishap does occur, then the fight should stop. All girls present should massage and/or tenderly kiss the injured girl until she is back to health. Sometimes a quick dip in the hot tub will soothe a pillow fight injury.

Should you pillow fight in the nude?
There is a common misconception that naked pillow fighting is appropriate. But that’s incorrect - girls involved in pillow fights should always be clothed. There is a lot of jerky movement going on during a pillow fight. And that may cause some less than flattering images if someone were nude. Although, after the pillow fight ends it is okay if the girls involved want to get naked and/or make out.

Is there an age limit on pillow fight contestants?
Yes, the recommended ages for pillow fighting are 18 to 25. It is occassionally acceptable for someone older to participate, but only those that are in the peak of physical condition for their age range. There is no MILF or Cougar Pillow Fighting. Those older ladies need to keep it classy.

What is the proper type of pillow to use in a pillow fight?
The recommended pillow for a pillow fight is the classic, large, white feather pillow.

Pictures of girls pillow fighting:

The traditional one-on-one pillow fight. The girl on the left is executing the classic two-handed over the head striking technique.

Here is a group pillow fight. The girl in the middle is demonstrating the I’m getting beat over the head with a pillow, but I still look cute pose..

Here is an example of proper pillow fighting attire. Although the pillows they are using are wrong. They should be using soft feather pillows to avoid injuries.

More good pillow fighting attire. Although the chick on the right is obviously outside the proper pillow fighting age range. She would need to be fighting in the Skank division.

Here is a picture from the professional Pillow Fighting League. The chicks in the league are not hot, but they do know how to swing a pillow.

This is a huge Pillow Fighting faux paux. Guys should never, ever participate in pillow fights. There is no way for a guy to look cool while swinging a pillow, as evidenced by the dude in this picture. Very weak!

A virtual pillow fight. Um…I’m not into virtual reality. Next picture, please.

Twins pillow fighting? Sure, I’m a fan. Does it make it harder to know who to root for? No, because remember everyone is a winner in a pillow fight.

This is the classic pre-Pillow Fight pose. The hot girls are on the bed and and square up to face each other to start the fight.

These two hot chicks hug after their pillow fight, before they hit the showers. Warms my spirits to see such good sportsmanship in pillow fighting.

Videos of girls pillow fighting:

A classic pillow fight between two sexy girls:

Playboy Playmates in a pillow fight:

Hot chicks pillow fight being directed by a pro:

That’s all for our look at Pillow Fighting. Next week we take on Girls Oil Wrestling.

Who I want to have sex with right now…

To my wife’s dismay (we’ll call her Ashley), about three times a week I give her permission to sleep with certain individuals that I consider in such high regard that I couldn’t possibly fault her for having one night of fantastic sex.

I stress, ONE night. I would never endorse any sort of an affair. Just something that’s purely physical.

She hates it when I do this . Ashley is about as sweet and innocent as they come, and prefers not even think about such a scenario. But deep down she knows I’m probably serious.

All that being said, at least temporarily, I think I’m going to post on this site those individuals that I wouldn’t deny Ashley, and in addition, the ladies that I would just assume she would allow me to satisfy my urges.

Her man of the week: Horatio Cane (David Caruso) Miami-Dade Police Department (CSI-Miami) . The guy is pure class and a total stud. How could any woman refuse his advances? You always know its safe when Horatio’s in the house.

My mistress: Alessandra Ambrosio - Victoria’s Secret supermodel. At least for this week, she sits atop the rankings in my book. I’d eat her band-aids.

Well there you have it. Wish me luck. Check back. I’ll let you know how it’s going…

10 People I Would Switch Lives With

So how do you answer the age old question: If you could be anyone else in the World, who would you be?

Well truth be told, I’m fairly happy with my own life. I love my wife, have some great friends, have a good job and have a lot of fun. So things are good. But if you did force me to pick a person to switch places with, we’d have to lay down some groundrules first.

A. No females. I love women, but I don’t think I’m ready to try to be one.
B. No old dudes. I’m in my 30’s, and that feels old enough.
C. Nobody that’s married. I’m already happily married, but there’s no way I could pull that off twice. Plus, the allure of the singles scene beckons every married guy like the Sirens song.
D. Nobody that’s not either really cool, rich or famous. C’mon, it’s a game…I’m not trying to save the World (sorry Al Gore). If I’m going to trade in my life, then rest assured I’m going to take a spin in the fastlane with my new life.

So with those guidelines in-place, here’s my top 10 list of People I Would Switch Lives With:

1. Tiger Woods
#1 spot and I pick a guy who’s married AND has a bun in the oven. I know, I’m already breaking my own rules. I must be crazy right? But actually this just shows you what a bad ass Tiger is. He’s the greatest golfer in the history of the sport (sorry Jack). He’s on track to be the first Billionaire athlete. And he just turned 30. Where do I sign up because I’ll take it.

2. Justin Timberlake
At first glance this might look like a pretty poor choice. I mean he is a former Mouseketeer, and was a member of a boy band. But JT has really taken things up a notch lately. After breaking both Britney Spears and Camerson Diaz’s hearts, he’s now had a string of ladies that would make any Dad proud. Scarlett Johansson loves him (enough said), Jessica Biel, the girl from Who’s The Boss…and there’s no telling how many non-famous hotties he’s scored with. And he’s famous and got mucho cashola. If Timberlake keeps this up, he’s going to take over the top spot.

3. Axl Rose
[Warning: this is a total homer pick] Okay, okay I realize Axl is probably a stretch at third. But I grew up a huge GNR fan. And there was no bigger bad ass on the planet in the late 80’s and early 90’s than Axl Fuckin Rose. If I came back as Axl, I’d immediately call up Slash and Duff and Dizzy to get the band back together. And I haven’t seen Stephanie Seymour lately, but I might call her too.

4. Tom Brady
A year ago this was a solid pick, but I’m worried now that Brady might be getting ready to settle down. He’s already knocked up one (hot) girlfriend, and he seems like he’s getting pretty serious with (super hot) girlfriend Giselle. Okay wait, on second thought - dating Giselle would be just fine with me. Plus, Brady brings in some nice coin. His occupation (NFL QB) is as good as it gets. And he’s been submitted for sainthood in New England, so he probably gets a lot of free car washes.

5. Leonardo Dicaprio
Man, now I officially suck. I’m picking another guy’s who about to get hitched. But have you seen Bar Rafaeli? Serious question. If you haven’t, please go google her now. Then come back and tell me this a bad pick. Plus, he dumped #4 (on the list) currently girlfriend. And when you’ve outgrown Giselle, then you are definitely going places in life. Plus, as each day goes by I forgot his role in Titanic even more and more.

6 (tie). Derek Jeter
So I get to make $20 Million dollars playing shortstop for the NY Yankees. My ex-girlfriend list includes Jessica Biel, Vanessa Minnillo and Jessica Alba. And I’m the toast of New York. This isn’t a hard decision.

6 (tie). Andy Roddick
So I’m a young, highly successly tennis player who gets to travel the world and be adored. My ex-girlfriend list includes Mandy Moore and Maria Sharapova (rumored). Once again, this wouldn’t be a difficult choice.

8. Joe Francis
Okay, perhaps the 2nd most controversial choice after Axl. Joe’s not loved by Mom’s across America for what he does to their daughters. But, if I’m Joe - maybe I can make Joe Francis a better person…and still keep on doing Girls Gone Wild. I mean it’s worth a shot to try, right?

9. Jake Gyllenhaal
A young, Hollywood star who’s just coming into his own. One who’s got a pretty good track record with the ladies (Kristen Dunst & Reese Witherspoon to name a couple). I get to make millions per year making a couple of movies, and then party with Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey in my downtime. Sounds pretty cushy to me.

10. Adam Scott
I was influenced by Coach on this one. But I was stuck deciding between a few choices on the 10th spot, when it occurred to me that Scott is a good choice. I’m a young, successful golfer. Women at golf tournaments flock to me. And I’ve got a pretty good accent (a bonus) to boot. Sounds like a winner to me.

So that’s the top 10 list of people I’d trade lives with. But who are some of the other people I considered for the list. In no particular order, the honorable mentions:

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Kobe Bryant
I’m not a big Kobe fan, but even I’ll admit he’s got a pretty sweet life (post Colorado). I think I can handle being, arguably, the best player in the NBA.

Sergey Brin
Aka: the Google Guy. One of the founders of Google. He’s 33 and worth $16 Billion and he gets to work at a really cool place. Not a bad living if you ask me. [Note: I picked Brin over Larry Page because Sergey is a cooler name than Larry. Plus, Brin's got a better head of hair.]

Prince Harry
Why not? I could be a Prince. And the good thing is you never have to sweat the responsibility of becoming King. Plus, every chick in England wants you…and there’s bound to be at least a couple of decent looking girls in the UK (perhaps some exchange students).

Theo Epstein
If you can’t own a sports franchise, or play for one. The next best thing to do is to run one. Epstein rules over the Red Sox, like he rules over the city of Boston. As long as Dice K lives up to the hype, Theo has a pretty good gig.

LeBron James
Let’s see…the Cleveland Cavaliers, Nike, Microsoft and Sprite all line up to give me big checks. I’m the face of the NBA. I’m one of the most popular athletes in the World today. I just completed construction of my new mansion - which includes a built-in casino! Life is good for LeBron and I’d take a little taste of it.

Michael Jordan
Ten years ago MJ is #1 on the list above. It speaks volumes that a 44 year old man still makes the list. But that’s because he’s the original cool guy. Tiger, Brady, Jeter, Kobe and LeBron all owe a debt of gratitude to this guy. At his peak he was the biggest sporting figure in the World. And today he and his brand are some of the most recognized in the World. So sure he’s older, and was married with kids. He’s still the Greatest Basketball Player of All-Time. And that alone would make it worth being Jordan.

Hugh Hefner
I founded Playboy magazine. I’ve been banging Playmates for 40+ years. I am still banging (presumably) hot Playmates today. Okay, I probably don’t want to trade lives with an 80 year old, but Hef might the exception to the rule. [Note: I would require a full medical checkup for Hef prior to making this switch. If his plumbing is not in working order, then having Holly, Kendra and Bridget wouldn't do me any good...so the deal would be off.]

Carson Palmer
I’m a young, millionaire quarterback…wanted by every hot chick in Hollywood. Yes, please.

Don Trump Jr.
You’re fired! Okay, I’m not sure why this little dork made the list. But his family has a ton of money. He’s all over TV (thanks Dad). And it looks like he’s going to hold on to his hair a lot longer than his Daddy did. So I guess being Trump Jr would have some upside.

Vince Vaughn
Jennifer Anniston…enough said.

Daniel Ziff
35 year old Billionaire bachelor. I couldn’t find a picture of him online. But I figure no matter what he looks like, with a Billion plus in the bank, he can score the ladies.

Stuff I want…

 

I want the camera angle to not change when a player is about to dunk. 

I want golf announcers to go more than three minutes during a match play tournament without saying:  “That’s the nature of match play.” 

I want the PGA Tour to have a mandatory weight lifting competition just so I can put money on Davis Love finishing last.   

I want one more truly great player to play four years of college basketball. 

I want Ken Venturi to commentate my life for one day. 

I want proof that Dan Hicks isn’t a failed attempt at cloning Jim Nantz. 

I want Jim Nantz to shave that awful head of hair.  Hey Jimmy, you’re bald.  You’ve been bald for a long time. 

I want Billy Packer to understand that the game he’s calling isn’t about him. 

I want proof that John Madden’s father wasn’t a hobgoblin. 

I want sportswriters to write what they believe and to not be intentionally sensationalistic simply to elicit a reaction from readers.  I’m looking at you, Skip Bayless. 

I want reporters to boycott T.O.’s locker. 

I want the NBA to be good again. 

I want people to understand that Tiger Woods is better than Jack Nicklaus and it’s not even close. 

I want Bobby Knight to understand screaming in kid’s faces might not be a good thing – or even necessary. 

I want Kevin Durant to make the NBA good again. 

I want Bill Parcells to wear his pants either over or under his gut because the equator look is the worst of the three options. 

I want Mark Cuban to sit down.  We see you there.  It’s okay. 

I want proof that Greg Oden isn’t Freddy Adu’s dad. 

I want Mickelson and Tiger in the final group Sunday at
Augusta.