Compare Jessica’s: Alba vs Biel vs Simpson

So we’ve been batting around this topic, like a cat plays with string for the last few weeks. The topic: Which of the Jessica’s is the hottest? Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel or Jessica Simpson (aka: Jessica cubed). And in reading some of the stuff, it seems like opinions vary. So I decided to find a more scientific way to measure which of Jessica cubed (my new term for them) is the best. Stack them up next to each other to see who has the best features. I’ll objectively compare their physical features (face, tits, stomach, ass & legs) and a few other key areas (personality, fame, mileage). Then I total up the scores to see whom the true winner is…who is the best Jessica of the group.

I encourage you to score each category yourself, to see which Jessica is at the top of your list. Here is my Jessica cubed scoring:

BRAINS
Wow, this is a tough category because it’s impossible to know how smart each Jessica truly is. But using the process of elimination, Jessica Simpson gets booted first. Why you ask. Did you ever watch her MTV reality show, The Newlyweds? Yeah, I know it’s TV and they might have portrayed her that way. But she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Then you’ve got Jessica Biel. Biel might have the best pedigree of any of the three. Because she attended college at Tufts, although she didn’t graduate. But she showed a lack of good judgment by posing nude at age 17, which she later said she regretted. So that leaves Jessica Alba. Not sure how smart she really is, but she’s the winner.
Most Brains: Jessica Alba

BAGGAGE (aka: bs I’d have to deal with)
Another category that is hard to judge without knowing the Jessica’s. So I’m calling a push in this category, because all three girls seem to have things in their past that I might have to deal with. Simpson is a divorcee. Biel has the numerous ex-boyfriends. And Alba would be coming off a long-term relationship. So frankly, none of those sound great to me.
Least Baggage: (push) No Winner

PERSONALITY
Most guys would kill to spend any time with any of these three girls. But from what I’ve read in the tabloids, it sounds like Jessica Biel is the coolest one to hang out with. She enjoys watching sports, playing sports and hanging out on the beach. I could handle that. So Jessica Biel wins for best, or coolest, personality. Jessica Alba would be my second choice, but didn’t win because I think she’s a bit full of herself. Jessica Simpson doesn’t like sports (recall Nick Lachey), so she’s a distant 3rd.
Best Personality: Jessica Biel

FAME/MONEY
All three Jessica’s have had very successful careers thus far. Jessica Alba has done TV (Dark Angel) and movies (Fantastic Four). And Jessica Biel has TV credits (7th Heaven) and a few pretty nice movies (Summer Catch). But Jessica Simpson is the clear big shot in this category. Simpson is the triple play. She’s done music, movies, and TV. Throw in some endorsements and a few product lines. And she’s made piles more cash than the other two Jessica’s.
Most Famous/Richest: Jess Simpson

PROFILE
So how do you judge them on their most basic profile? Very harshly.
Jessica Alba is 26 years old. She is 1/2 Hispanic. She was born in California.
Jessica Biel is 25 years old. She was born in Minnesota. She is a mixed race, including Indian.
Jessica Simpson is 27 years old. She was born in Texas. She’s the daughter of a former preacher.
I prefer Biel for her age (youngest), but prefer Simpson (Texas) and Alba (Cali) for where they were born. So it’s a draw.
Best Demo Profile: (push) No Winner

MILEAGE (aka: how many dudes)
99.999% of guys would never even think about this if they had a chance to bed any of the three Jessica’s. But since we’re doing an objective comparison, it has to be addressed. So just which Jessica has spent the most time on her back, and is that something that you want to be a part of? Jessica Alba has had a boyfriend for a long time, Cash Warren. So Alba seems like there is pretty low mileage on her speedometer. Although the fact that she has a boyfriend, also works against her. Jessica Simpson is the only one who’s already been married (Nick Lachey). Plus she was recently dating John Maher. But, she was a virgin when she married Lachey, so that probably means at most she’s screwed 3 or 4 guys. That’s considerably low mileage for a hot, young girl in Hollywood (Paris & Lohan must be in triple digits by now). So Simpson gets a positive score, like Alba. Jessica Biel on the other hand seems to have a few more rides on her. She’s currently rumored to be dating Justin Timberlake. And prior to that she was dating Derek Jeter. That means she’s got a professional athlete and a big time musician in her past. That makes me pretty sure that Biel has done some serious humping in her days. So in the end I’m going with the one without a boyfriend, Simpson, who was a virgin just a few short years ago. And the one who’s remained with her dude, Alba, for a few years now.
Lowest Mileage: (tie) Jessica Alba & Jessica Simpson

FACE

We get into their bodies, and right off the bat it’s a really tough category. Let’s work by process of elimination. Jessica Biel is out, because her face is too long and she shows too much teeth. Sadly Biel reminds me a bit of a horse. That leaves Alba & Simpson. It’s truly a tough choice between these two, but I’m going with Jessica Simpson for her eyes, lips and hair. Jessica Alba is beautiful and has a better nose, but Simpson has the overall prettier face.
Prettiest Face: Jessica Simpson

BREASTS

Again, this appears to be a tough category. After all, Jessica Biel has gorgeous breasts, right? Yes, but Jessica Simpson still wins the boobs category in a landslide. Simpson’s tits are superb. Large, tan and natural…a lethal combination. Simpson’s fun bags are some of the best in Hollywood. So Biel has beautiful breasts, but not on par with Simpson. Jessica Alba never really was in contention in this category, her better assets come further down.
Best Tits: Jessica Simpson

STOMACH

Jessica Simpson looked great in Dukes of Hazzard, but she gets knocked out early in this category. Alba and Biel are dueling for best abs. And it’s virtual a dead heat between them. Jessica Biel has a gorgeous athletic body, and her stomach is rock hard. While Jessica Alba sports a toned, tan body and beautiful definition in her stomach. Will it be a tie? No, Jessica Alba wins. Alba has a stomach ring, which loses her points. But Biel has a tattoo on her panty line, which is worse than a stomach ring. So Alba wins by default.
Best Abs: Jessica Alba

BUTT

I’d pay money to judge this contest in real life. You are talking about some of the hottest celebrity asses that are out there. So there are no losers in this category. But again Jessica Simpson has to settle for 3rd place. The real battle butt is between Alba and Biel, and this time there are no tattoos or rings to sway the decision. Jessica Alba’s looks like it was hand sculpted. And the best thing is Alba loves to show off her ass. There are hundreds of pics of her in the tiniest little bikini bottoms. Alba should be Spanish for “hot ass”. Jessica Biel’s butt is one in a million. Literally. It’s firm, round and just about perfect. So who wins this ass battle between Alba and Biel? It’s a tie. Both their asses are too perfect, so they split the vote.
Best Ass: (tie) Jessica Alba & Jessica Biel

LEGS

Finally we’ve made our way down to the legs. And all 3 of these Jessica’s have some great stems. So again it’s a process of elimination. Surprisingly Jessica Alba gets knocked out first. I figured Alba would have perfect legs, but they are only really nice. I guess you can’t ask for perfect legs, when your butt is as perfect as Alba’s is. So that leaves Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson. On reputation alone, I figured Biel would be sporting the better legs. But after some more careful review, I realized that Simpson has some major league legs. Why do you think she always wears those low-cut, short, poofy dresses and high heels? She knows which two assets to show off…her boobs and her awesome legs. Biel’s legs are phenomenal. She’s an athlete who’s spent hours shaping those perfectly toned legs. So even though Simpson almost pulled off the huge shocker, Jessica Biel is the winner for best piernas.
Best Legs: Jessica Biel

OVERALL
Scoring 1 point for each category win and a 0.5 point for each tie.
The overall winner of Jessica Alba vs Jessica Biel vs Jessica Simpson is: Jessica Simpson

Final Scores:
Jessica Simpson = 3.5 points
Jessica Alba = 3 points
Jessica Biel = 2.5 points

How did you score Jessica cubed? Who won each category? Who was your overall winner?

Getting to know our readers…

Who’s it gonna be?

One night of the best sex you’ve ever had with either Catherine Zeta-Jones, Katherine McPhee, Minka Kelly, or Anne Hathaway?

No strings attached. No one knows about it. If you’re gay, we won’t tell your boyfriend. If you’re a girl, we might make you our first guest author.

You’re not dating this person. You’re just using them for sex.

As for me… Hathaway. Then Minka.

How to look like a pansy at your next tailgate…

 

I think these are banned in the SEC.

I’d be the first to admit that it gets a little chilly digging around the cooler for those last few beers, but I’ll be damned if you ever see me use this thing.

Be a man.  Roll up your sleeves and dive in.

(buy it here)

Photos of Hottest SI Swimsuit Models

I’m a big believer in the quote made famous by football legend Darrell Royal, “You gotta dance with who brung ya.” And with that spirit in-mind, I want to take a look at some of the swimsuit supermodels who paved the way for today’s generation of hotties. These are the beautiful, bikini clad ladies that I fondly recall from my youth. I think it’s important to give these fine women their proper due.

So here are some of the hottest pictures of SI’s most legendary Swimsuit Models:

Cheryl Tiegs is where hot chicks in swimsuits began. This see-thru fishnet swimsuit is still one of the best ever.

Christie Brinkley showing off some of her assets in a late 80’s g-string bikini.

Was there ever a hotter swimsuit chick than Paulina Porizkova?

Stacey Williams was vastly underrated in her era. She’s a smoking hot brunette.

Niki Taylor showing off her breasts and an ass I never knew she had. Wow, amazing.

Speaking of breasts…how about the large breasts of beautiful Tyra Banks.

Don’t you cry tonight…don’t you cry tonight. Axl, what you were you thinking? The sultry Stephanie Seymour.

I don’t care if she’s married to Uncle Jessie or Jerry O’Connell. Rebecca Romijn is still hot.

So hot, she only needs one name - Vendela. Showing off her titties in this picture. The line to drink her bathwater starts behind a buddy of mine who’s been obsessed with her for over a decade. She’s still his one “out” with his wife, even after all these years.

Has there ever been a hotter girl next store look than Kathy Ireland? Oh baby!

Seal, you lucky son of a bitch. Heidi Klum is the O.G. of bikini models.

And one more of Heidi Klum. I guess you can tell who’s my favorite legendary bikini model.

Who’s your favorite bikini model in this group?

2007 British Open - The Grades

Much like 1999, the storyline at Carnoustie is about who finished second (though it shouldn’t be).  You know, I actually felt bad for Sergio until his interview.  He might have done more damage to his image than ever before.  He just doesn’t get it.  To the grades…

 Paddy Harrington - A+ - I couldn’t be happier for Paddy.  With so much money involved in pro sports these days, it’s nice to see someone really, really appreciate a trophy.  After he made the last putt, he was almost child-like.  Played an amazing round of golf, except for two bad swings on 18.  But that up and down was downright clutch, even if he didn’t know it was what would get him in the playoff.  And he played just about perfect in the playoff.  Good for Paddy.  He could definitely be a rival for Tiger.  Getting that first one under your belt is huge.  Ask Mickelson.

Sergio Garcia - ? - Seems he could get everything from an F to an B.  Played flawless through three rounds - only carding three bogeys.  That’s remarkable.  Belly putter was behaving.  The long irons were going forever.  It was right out of Tiger’s playbook.  Great course management.  Then, as is the case on Sundays at majors, things started getting shaky.  After a birdie at 3, the little putts started sliding by, the irons weren’t as crisp or on line.  It has been said the mark of a great player is getting it done without your best stuff.  And it looked like he was going to pull it off after Romero and Paddy gave away valuable strokes coming in.  When he needed it most, though, the approach to 18 (after a perfect tee ball) let him down.  He did hit a good putt, but plenty of people hit good putts that don’t go in.  Paddy took care of the four hole playoff in with a birdie at the first.  I’ll also take this time to straighten out a couple of his post round excuses.

 1.  He did not get screwed by hitting the flag on 16 in the playoff.  Low bullet three irons do not check up.  That ball would have gone 40-50 feet by.  It was actually a good break.  Getting screwed by the stick is what happened to Tiger in the first round of the ‘05 Masters when he hit a soft lob wedge to the first hole and the ball hit the stick and rolled back off the green to an impossible lie in a shortsided bunker leading to a bogey.  Now that is a bad break.  In case you’re wondering, Tiger won that week. 

2.  Sergio has been playing golf for 20 years or so.  Much to his disbelief, he has hit poor putts that have gone in.  He has hit good putts that have gone in.  He has hit average putts that have gone in.  It is not a bad break to hit a good putt and have it miss.  It’s actually what some people call golf.  Funny how putts tend to lip out more often when that’s what you expect them to do.

3.  Having to wait in the 18th fairway for someone to rake bunkers is also part of golf.  I mean, does Sergio think the bunker raker had it in for him?  Really?  And what if someone needed a ruling?  It could have taken even longer (a few groups ahead Paddy dumped a couple in the drink - probably took him 30 minutes to play the hole).  I believe that’s why pros have pre-shot routines.  How often has Tiger had to back off due to cameras?  Or how many times did Nicklaus have to back off early in his career because Arnie’s Army of hecklers?  Deal with it, Sergio. 

Sergio, you need to look in the mirror.  It’s up to you whether you win or lose golf tournaments.  Bunker rakers, lipped out putts, hitting flagsticks - they define the game, not your purported bad luck.  Go make your own luck.  All you needed was a one over par round to win this thing.  To quote Chris Farley, this one’s gonna leave a mark. 

Andres Romero - A - Speaking of bad breaks, try hitting a moderately bad two iron that catches a brick wall and ricochets 60 yards to the right and goes OB costing you two strokes when you miss a playoff by a shot.  That is a bad break (Sergio would have spontaneously combusted, on the spot).  Andres was very gracious in defeat.  Didn’t complain about the OB ricochet.  Granted, he was probably just happy to be there.  Made 10 birdies on Sunday.  That might be the most impressive stat of the tournament.  I don’t know if we’ll ever hear from him again, but it was fun to watch.

Ernie Els - B+ - Slowly but surely, Els is coming back.  Only finished two shots out of a playoff.  He’ll have another major under his belt by the end of 2008.

Tiger Woods - C - Weird not having Tiger in contention on a Sunday at a major.  Surprisingly, he was undone by his ballstriking.  Pretty blah all week.  T12 is a good result considering he hit it all over the yard.  That miss to the right is getting more and more frequent, a la 2004.  He’s got work to do before the PGA.  Just another reminder that winning majors is hard and he’s not guaranteed to break Jack’s record.

Phil Mickelson - D- - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - Mickelson is never going to consistently make cuts and contend in majors.  He’ll get hot for stretches (the spring/summer of ‘04, most notably), but he’s going to miss cuts and finish T73rd almost as frequently.   It’s just the way he rolls.  He might win the PGA.  He might finish dead last.  I have to think the wrist is still bothering him.  I, for one, am happy everyone is off the Butch Harmon kool aid.  That got way overdone after the Players.

Bobby Clampett - F - Bobby Clampett had a dream.  In that dream he used Tiger’s penis for a microphone.  Tiger could whiff a teed up driver and Clampett would comment on the nice hip turn.  Keep in mind, this is coming from a big Tiger fan - my friends make fun of me for how much I like Tiger.  Clampett made me nauseous.  I should note he goes overboard on other players.  When Rory McIlroy was cleaning up his first round 68, Clampett had seriously guaranteed greatness for him.  Azinger stopped him in his tracks, thankfully.  Clampett was just downright bad all weekend, but Azinger….

 Paul Azinger - A - As a player (and probably as a person), I can’t stand Azinger.  But he’s really good in the booth.  He went to the Johnny Miller school of honest commentating.  Doesn’t play favorites.  He and Faldo really play well off each other.  I also like Tirico and Judy Rankin is one of the best all time course reporters - Kratzert has a little too much Clampett in him. 

 The course - A - Played about perfect.  Nice to see pros hitting two irons and three woods into par 4s.  The greens were slow enough to keep things fair and the rough, while penal, wasn’t ridiculous.  Just a great tournament all around.

Best athletes of all-time in each major sport?

Who are the best athletes of all-time? Each individual sport has been debated numerous times, but I wanted to look at all the greatest athletes at once. The list below chronicles the best athlete in each sport, from cycling to soccer…from Ali to Zaharias.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about the results is how many of the best athletes in history are competing today. You can go out and see the greatest ever to play their sports, like: Federer, Sorenstam and Woods. Check out the list below, and then tell me what you think.

Greatest Athletes of All-Time:

Auto Racing
Greatest of all-time: Michael Schumacher
Runner up: Dale Earnhardt
* Schumacher is a Germany racing machine. He’s won 7 formula one racing titles, and is one of the richest athletes in the history of sports. Earnhardt was the most popular driver that Nascar has ever known, he’s also the greatest driver. Edging out Richard Petty, who has more career wins than The Intimidator.

Baseball
Greatest of all-time: Babe Ruth
Runner up: Ted Williams
* Babe Ruth was one of the greatest athletes in the history of the World. Stories about his athletic ability are things of legend. And on the baseball field he dominated both as a pitcher and a hitter. Like Tyson, if he had a clear head on his shoulders, he could have set records that would have never been broken. Williams edges out some great ballplayers like Joe DiMaggio, Hank Aaron and Willie Mays. Ted gets the nod for his career average (above .340) while hitting 500+ home runs.

Basketball
Greatest of all-time: Michael Jordan
Runner Up: Bill Russell
* MJ was the best ever. Not only did he revolutionize the sport, he changed sports marketing forever. The big contracts that LeBron, Reggie Bush, Beckham and Tiger are pulling in…they all owe a big thanks to Mr. Michael Jordan. He changed the game of sports marketing forever. I’m taking Bill Russell next because I appreciate what he did - he was a superstar who played great team basketball and won championships. So Russell edges out Wilt and Basketball Jesus (aka: Larry Bird).

Boxing
Greatest of all-time: Muhammad Ali
Runner up: Mike Tyson
* Ali was special. A boxer with athletic ability that has rarely been seen in the sport. Tyson is not going to be on anyone else’s list at #2 all-time. But the way he dominated his era has rarely, if ever, been seen before. If Tyson didn’t go “Tyson” (aka: crazy), then he could still be dominating today. The guy was a 1 in a million boxer, with a squirrel’s brain in his head.

College Basketball
Greatest of all-time: Pete Maravich
Runner up: Bill Russell
* Pistol Pete was the class of college basketball. He still owns the record for scoring average (44 ppg) in college hoops. Russell comes in 2nd again, but edges a tough trio of Oscar Robertson, Bball Jesus & Danny Manning (Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk!). Russell led a previously unknown San Francisco team to two Championships.

College Football
Greatest of all-time: Herschel Walker
Runner up: Barry Sanders
* It’s very tough to put the guy (Barry Sanders) who claimed 30+ NCAA rushing records, and the all-time record for yards in a season, on his way to the Heisman trophy in 2nd place on this list. But I did because I think Herschel Walker was a better college back. Herschel’s freshman season he rushed for 1600 yards and 15 touchdowns…and he did that while still sitting out 11 quarters of football. He went on to win the Heisman two years later. His combination of size and speed will probably never be duplicated in college football. Others in the conversation are: Bo Jackson, Earl Campbell, Ricky Williams and Eddie George.

Cycling
Greatest of all-time: (tie) Lance Armstong & Eddy Merckx
Runner up: Miguel Indurain
* Too close to pick a winner. Lance achieved something (7 straight wins) at the sports toughest event, Tour de France, that will never be surpassed. But Merckx (aka: The Cannibal) owns the record for most wins by a professional cyclist and 5 Tour de France wins. Both great cyclists who races in different eras, so we’re calling this one a push.

Golf
Greatest of all-time: Tiger Woods
Runner up: Jack Nicklaus
* If you don’t believe me that Tiger is the best ever, read Coach’s take on Jack vs Tiger. I’m a big Nicklaus fan, but Tiger has surpassed him…and in 10 years it won’t even be an argument.

Women’s Golf
Greatest of all-time: Annika Sorenstam
Runner up: Babe Didrikson Zaharias
* Annika has dominated modern golf against the most competitive women’s fields of all-time. She’s amazingly talented and has become an ambassador for the women’s game. Zaharias played in 4 PGA events, against men, and made the cut in 3 of them. She was everything that Michelle Wie wishes she was.

Hockey
Greatest of all-time: Wayne Gretzky
Runner up: Bobby Hull
* I won’t embarrass myself by showing my lack of knowledge on hockey. Gretzky was ‘the great one’, so he’s the best ever. I picked Hull over Bobby Orr and Gordie Howe because of his zip on the offensive end.

Pro Football
Greatest of all-time: Jim Brown
Runner up: Joe Montana & Barry Sanders (tie)
* This was a tough call, and I could be happy with any of these 3 guys as the best NFL player. Montana has the rings, Brown has the records and MVPs and Barry Sanders was amazing. Ultimately I decided on Jim Brown because of the records he set in an abbreviated pro career. Had he played longer, there is no telling what he would have accomplished.

Soccer
Greatest of all-time: Pele
Runner up: Zinedine Zidane & George Best (tie)
* Pele was the best. Period, end of discussion. Second best player ever is a lot harder. I’m going with Zuzu and Georgie. Both were studs during their careers. Others in the conversation are: Maradona, Ronaldo, Eric Cantona & Franz Beckenbauer. No Beckham.

Men’s Swimming
Greatest of all-time: Mark Spitz
Runner up: Michael Phelps
* Spitz dominated the Olympics like few ever have. Spitz also gets the nod because he sported a sweet looking moustache. If his career ended today, I would rank Phelps behind Matt Biondi. But since I predict more huge accomplishments from Phelps in the Beijing Olympics, I gave him the nod at #2. It’s not impossible for me to imagine Phelps as the greatest swimmer of all-time in a decade.

Women’s Swimming
Greatest of all-time: Tracy Caulkins
Runner up: Mary T. Meagher
* Caulkins dominated swimming in the 70’s and 80’s. She was the only swimmer, male or female, to hold an American record or win a National Title at every stroke. Meagher just edges Janet Evans, by virtue of her domination in the more strokes. Evans was the greatest at long races.

Tennis
Greatest of all-time: Roger Federer
Runner up: Pete Sampras
* Like the Tiger vs Nicklaus, this one has only recently swung in Federer’s favor. Sampras was the best the game had ever seen. But 5 years from now no one will argue against Federer being the greatest tennis player of all-time.

Women’s Tennis
Greatest of all-time: Steffi Graf
Runner up: Martina Navratilova
* Graf won each of the Grand Slam Tournaments at least 4 times. And in 1996 Navratilova conceded, “Steffi is the best all-around player of all-time, regardless of the surface.” Martina is the easy #2 or even #1a. But when she said Steffi is better, I gotta agree with her.

Men’s Track & Field
Greatest of all-time: Carl Lewis
Runner up: Jesse Owens & Michael Johnson
* Three men who were all bad motherf*ckers. Lewis dominated the 100 and long jump, and won 10 Olympic medals…9 of which were gold medals. Let me repeat that, 9 of Carl Lewis’ 10 Olympic medals were gold medals. A bad mofo. And Owens and Johnson both had careers worthy of being considered the best ever. Owens went to Nazi Germany and dominated, winning 4 gold medals. And Michael Johnson was one of the most feared men on the track in the 200 and 400. In Johnson’s peak, no one had a chance to beat him.

Women’s Track & Field
Greatest of all-time: Jackie Joyner-Kersee
Runner up: Babe Didrikson Zaharias & Florence Griffith Joyner
* Joyner-Kersee was the greatest women’s track athlete ever. Period. Flo Jo & Babe come in a distant second.

WWE
Greatest of all-time: Hulk Hogan
Runner up: Jimmy “SuperFly” Snuka
* Yeah, I know it’s not really a sport. But I liked Snuka as a kid, and I figured this was my only chance to give him a mention.

Okay let the debate begin and tell me where I went wrong?
And also tell me who you think is the greatest one athlete among all of these?

2007 British Open - Who Can And Can’t

It’s that time of year.  Get up early (or set your DVR).  It’s golf’s oldest championship.  I’m excited.  Let’s break it down.

Five Golfers Who Can’t Win the British Open

1.  Adam Scott - Strung together three straight top tens going into the US Open, where he promptly missed the cut.  Then, to follow that up, he missed the cut at Tiger’s tournament.  What gives with this guy?  Think about it.  For all the hype and the world ranking and the talent, he’s never, ever had a chance at a major on Sunday.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  No intangibles.  Butch Harmon needs to force Scott to watch 20 straight hours of footage of Seve Ballesteros in his prime, clockwork orange style.  The British Open is his least likely chance at a big one - it calls for too many different shots, too much imagination. 

2.  Angel Cabrera - Como se dice, lightning in a bottle?  I cannot believe some members of the golf media are giving Cabrera a chance.  I’m not saying Cabrera is a fluke winner of a major like Ben Curtis or Todd Hamilton.  He’s proven himself in Europe.  He reminds me a lot of Michael Campbell.  Solid player with a decent pedigree who played well on Sunday at the US Open and dodged two bullets, in the form of Tiger Woods and Jim Furyk.  The only players since WWII to win the US and British Opens in the same year?  Hogan, Trevino, Watson, and Tiger.  We won’t be adding Angel to that list.  He’s won his first and last major.

 3.   Vijay Singh - It pains me to put Vijay in this group, but I just don’t see it this week.  I guess you could say he’s my reverse darkhorse.  He only has three top tens in 18 career starts in the British Open.  Never been a great wind player. 

4.  Phil Mickelson - I know, I know, he played well last week at the Scottish Open.  But it’s common knowledge among golf geeks, Loch Lomond is no kind of preparation for a links style course.  It’s set up much more like an American course.  Mickelson has a pretty dreadful record in the British.  In 14 starts he has precisely one top ten (and only two top-20s).  I’m not putting him on this list because he choked the Scottish or because of his wrist.  He’s always been a crappy wind player.  Yes, he has a great short game and wonderful imagination, but if you think about it - most of his brilliant little shots are flops from the deep rough.  In Scotland you’ll see guys using putters from 60 yards - everything’s lower to the ground.

5.  Sergio Garcia - Regular readers won’t be surprised to see Senorita Garcia here.  He’s got a pretty good record in the British:  Five top-10s in the past six years.  He’s got all the shots, especially the little low draws back into the wind.  But I really, really don’t like him.  Personally.  And, after missing the cut by a mile, he cried at Carnoustie in 1999.  You’re supposed to cry when you win.  Not when you miss the cut, sissy.

Five Golfers Who Can Win the British Open

1. Luke Donald - My bet to break the European drought in majors.  Cool and calm.  Nice low ball flight.  No big mistakes.  A bit surpisingly, he has a god awful record in the British:  Seven starts, five missed cuts, and nothing better than a T35.  That almost makes him a dark horse.  This might be a result of his coming to college in the states and never moving back.  For an English born player, he doesn’t have much links experience, not as an adult.  Wait a minute, why am I saying he can win?  We’ll call this Coach’s gut feeling.

2.  Ernie Els - The man is a British Open machine.  15 starts, seven top fives, including a win in 2002 and three seconds.  Yes, he’s been off form since losing to Todd Hamilton in ‘04 and the knee injury.  But I think he’s got a real shot this week.  He’s very comfortable in the UK (lives in London much of the year) and this style of golf suits him.  Ever since the knee issue, he’s been missing shots to the left.  Carnoustie is a little tighter than most links courses, so he’ll need to keep it straight.  But I think this could be the week he gets out of the doldrums.

3.  Justin Rose - His name has been popping up at majors as of late.  Had a few 36 and 54 hole leads.  Didn’t always finish strong on Sunday, but that’s very valuable experience on the world’s biggest stage.  Hard to believe it’s been nine years since he holed out on 18 for birdie at Birkdale to finish 4th as a 17 year old amateur.  Actually hasn’t qualified for the past three British Opens.    Other than that 4th in ‘98, nothing to write home about.  All these picks are starting to look pretty subjective, aren’t they?

4.  Jim Furyk - The guy is a bull.  He’s the kind of player who can shoot 78 in the first round of a tournament and have a chance to win on Sunday.  Built for majors.  In 11 British starts he has three top fives.  Broke a strange string of five straight missed cuts with a 4th place finish at Royal Liverpool last year.  Length is probably least important at the British Open - and that’s his one drawback.  He hits it relatively low and makes a lot of ten footers.  Big question is whether Oakmont is still in his head.  He’s tough, so I doubt it.

5.  Tiger Woods - Who am I kidding?  You can disregard everything above.  They’re all playing for second.  The only way he doesn’t win is if he decides to hit a bunch of drivers (he won’t) or he has an awful putting week (possible).  He’s won two in a row and I see no reason why he can’t make it three.

Michael Vick Indicted for Illegal Dog Fighting

Does anyone else just get the feeling that Mike Vick is f*cked? Yeah, me too.
As I’m watching the headlines scroll across the sports ticker tonight, and see that Vick was in-fact indicted…that’s the only thought that popped into my head. That Michael Vick has totally screwed the pooch (pardon the bad pun).

What gets into these athletes/stars? Why risk such a great thing with bush league behavior. Even if Vick’s truly not guilty, he’s obviously got close friends who participated in heinous crimes on his property. For that stupidity alone, he deserves to be punished. And Vick is not some young, dumb rookie who’s too wet behind the ears to know what’s wrong. Vick will be 30 in a few years, and he’s earning millions of dollars a year in salary and endorsements. He should never have gotten involved in this type of thing. And if he’s guilty, I hope he goes down hard for his crimes.

So the question now is: how does Michael Vick’s situation affect those around him? There are no real “winners” in a situation where a horrible crime has been committed. But with that understanding, let’s take a tongue in cheek look at who stands to win and lose in from Michael Vick’s indictment.

LOSERS:

Arthur Blank (Owner, Atlanta Falcons)
Yikes…how much does he still owe Vick on that $130 Million dollar contract? Blank is really stuck between a rock and a hardplace on this one. He has to stand by Vick until there is an outcome in the trial. But even if Vick is innocent, will Blank be able to overlook all the nasty stuff that’s sure to come out in a trial. And ultimately will Blank be able to keep Mike Vick around? I’d bet the house that Vick is not playing in a Falcons uniform in 2008…and possibly not in an NFL uniform at all.

Atlanta Falcons
Might be wishing they had not let Matt Schaub get away to the Texans. He was their backup, who was traded in the offseason. Now it looks like the Falcons soon will be starting over at quarterback. Joey Harrington is the current backup…Falcons fans should feel a cold chill going down their spines.

NFL
Too many discipline problems. It’s one thing for Pacman Jones and Chris Henry to get in trouble. Because one is a rookie and the other is a bit player in the league. But Vick has been one of the poster boys for the NFL almost a decade. Vick highlights have been a staple of NFL programming for his entire time in the league. This will be bigger than the Ray Lewis trial. And it’s never a good thing for a league, when one of the star players could go to prison for 6 years.

Nike (Michael Vick Corporate Sponsor)
Le Swoosh company needs to start backing away now. They’ve got a truckload of money tied up with Vick, and he’s been the face of Nike in the NFL. And they can’t outright drop him until Vick is proven guilty in a court of law. But Nike’s going to take a hit in the court of public opinion for supporting an alleged dog murder. People in the USA love their pooches.

Roger Goodell (Commissioner, NFL)
I loved the job the job the Commish has done in coming in and establishing harsh penalties for player misconduct. But this situation is a bad one for him because he cannot condemn Vick until he pleads guilty or is convicted of a crime. So the “Vick questions” will linger over Goodell all season (until a trial). And that’s a pretty horrible way to spend a first year on the job.

WINNERS:

ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)
A huge win for the ASPCA. True, many dogs are reported to have suffered and died in this horrible ordeal. That is sad and unfortunate. But the ASPCA now gets a chance to advance their cause by going after a big name. If Vick is convicted of a crime, it will do wonders to expose the issue of animal cruelty. And the high profile case should have a big affect on illegal dog fighting, and could help curb animal abuse in general.

Bobby Petrino (Head Coach, Atlanta Falcons)
He’s one guy who’s definitely helped out if Vick goes down. Now he doesn’t have to make up an excuse to bench Vick. Because after a few months Bobby was going to realize that Vick wasn’t the man to run his offense.

Fantasy Football Owners
This news is going to save a lot of lives in the fantasy circle. No more pulling out my hair to decide if I should draft Vick, when he’s still available, in the 6th round. No more crying and screaming as I watch another week of my starting fantasy quarterback (Vick), putting up 88 yds rushing, 139 yds passing with 2 interceptions. Nope, with this news Vick should be relegated to the 14th round “flyer” pick in all leagues.

Marcus Vick
He used to be the bad apple in the Vick family. Now he looks positively angelic compared to big bro.

Pacman Jones (Suspended NFL player)
Used to be the poster boy for bad behavior in the NFL. Looks like he’ll be passing that torch to Vick now.

Sal Paolantonio (ESPN reporter)
Sal will be working a lot. And it looks like he’ll be spending a lot of time in Atlanta this season.

Sports Radio
That engine revving noise you hear is sports radio stations across the country revving up their conversations on this topic. This will be a hot topic in sports radio until the end of the trial. A huge star alleged to be involved in an extremely ugly crime. This is a ratings home run for the shock jocks…and the fellas in Bristol.

So there you have it, a list of who’s affected by the Vick situation. It should be an interesting few months to see how things develop in the case. But all I know is Mike Vick is wishing Johnny Cochrane were still alive at this moment. Because if the collar don’t fit, then you must acquit.

What do you think of Michael Vick now?

Jessica Alba is hotter than Jessica Biel…

For those of you milling around on that other post. Put the crack pipe down. Let’s bring this meeting back to order. Haven’t I taught you anything?

Gentlemen, for anyone that dares think Jessica Biel is hotter than Jessica Alba, I’m afraid you’re sadly, just a boob man (I bet you still have a poster of Morganna on your wall). Or you maybe you have a fetish for chicks with bigger biceps than your own puny limbs.

Biel is a sexy beast, no doubt, but she’s still toiling on the sophomore team while Alba is playing her 3rd year of varsity ball. Jessica Biel privately wants to have bigger arms than Hulk Hogan, and I swear she’s less and less feminine every time I turn around.

I think Alba’s body of work speaks for itself. For every good picture of Biel, I’ll show you 3 of Alba.

How often do you see a sexy candid of Jessica Biel? All of her good pics are staged.

The same can’t be said of Alba. She’s got sex appeal coming out of her pores. Too bad she’s a bitch.

That other post is bikini specific. I present my case. Examine the evidence for yourself

In conclusion, Jessica Biel is a very pretty girl with an amazingly firm body. But next to Jessica Alba she looks like Secretariat.

Don’t feel like you have to apologize.

New: Compare Alba vs Biel vs Simpson

Livestrong Campaign Raises Millions Selling Wristbands

USA Today reported today that the Lance Armstrong Foundation’s Livestrong campaign has sold more than $70 Million dollars worth of Livestrong wristbands since 2004. And sales of those Livestrong wristbands have raised over $63 Million dollars for cancer research.

The LAF has a great mission, and Lance has been a tireless advocate for those with cancer and their families. So help support a great cause, by purchasing a Livestrong wristband here for a dollar.